Nat appreciates that, while growing old is inevitable, growing up is not.
‘You’re being awfully grown-up about this,’ said my friend Oscar (not his real name). You see, Oscar was going off to hike the Inca Trail with our friend Felix (also not his real name) without me. I suppose they were afraid I would be annoyed because, two years ago, we had planned the same trip but, because Felix couldn’t make it, Felix sulked. He refused to answer the phone when we called. ‘Go ahead,’ he admonished when we finally got through, ‘go without me, even though you know I’ve been wanting to do this all my life and the only people I would want to do it with are you guys. Go ahead. I don’t care.’
To be clear, Felix was 50, not five.
And so suddenly here they were, Oscar and Felix planning the trip of a lifetime when I had work that kept me in Bangkok. I knew something was up because they became secretive. Conversation would suddenly stop when I joined their table at the Sports Club. They practically cringed with shame every time I saw them. Felix would urgently need to go to the loo whenever I came in sight.
I suppose I should have said something but I couldn’t be bothered. I mean, hello? Grow up.
‘You don’t have to be sarcastic,’ Felix said, assuming of course that I was having the same annoyed, childish reaction he had shown. But I was fine with their plans. They were still my friends and I was happy for them to go. Hence Oscar’s observation on my maturity of mind.
But being grown-up? What is grown-up? Aren’t we all grown up by the time we’re over 50? And able to discuss issues openly and reasonably, without resorting to emotional manipulation to get our way? But sometimes, as Felix showed us two years ago, chronological age doesn’t automatically equate to maturity. Felix may have been married, with his own children who were either married or getting there. He may have been an influential businessman but that didn’t stop him from behaving like a brat when he felt excluded. Obviously age and status are no guarantee of grown up behaviour.
It used to be that, when a man reached a certain age or passed through certain milestones, he would automatically become a phu yai — an elder — and would presumably automatically behave like one. Now that I’m there, I realise nothing could be further from the truth.
Playing the elder hand
The traditional milestones in a Thai man’s life used to start with his ordination as a novice monk for a short time in his teens, perhaps a week. Then full ordination as a monk for one phansa or rainy season would take place sometime before that man reached adulthood at the age of 25. I, personally, believe ordination is a good thing. Spending an extended period of time immersed in the tenets of Buddhism in one’s youth can only be good. It makes a man more contemplative,thereby preparing him for adult life.
Nowadays in Thailand, we don’t adhere to tradition as much as we used to and ordination is no longer a given in a man’s life. In fact, I only ordained as a novice when I was in my early 20s and then the rest of my youth was taken up by graduate school. Oscar never ordained at all and Felix, for all his having ordained as both a novice and a fully-fledged monk, turned out to be the most petulant of us all.
The fact that I was unbothered by Oscar’s and Felix’s behaviour may be an indication of maturity, but perhaps only in comparison to Felix who seem to regress to toddlerhood when not invited to a party, or to Oscar who will do anything to avoid having his friends be upset with him. The fact is, these fellows are not always self-indulgent and inconsiderate. Nor have they been perpetually childish and immature. Perhaps it’s just that, compared to them, I was being grown-up on the day.
I think the issue is that there are always going to be things that upset us and reduce us to the child we once were, no matter how many milestones we pass in life and no matter how responsible we become. We each of us will always have soft spots that turn us back into the brats we were when we were five. I’m not saying that it means it’s okay to behave like we are five.I’m just saying that I think adults have the capacity to behave like children
There used to be a time in Thailand and many other Asian countries when, as one aged, one became entitled to the respect of others, no matter how one behaved.Now that Oscar, Felix and I are hitting that age, do we find ourselves lamenting that it is no longer the case that elders are always respected?
I, for one, think it is a good thing. People may complain that the respect for elders is deteriorating in Thailand, but I don’t really see that it’s the end of the world. The difference is that, due to changing economics and demographics, people are no longer reliant on their elders the way they used to be, so having to listen to one’s elders is no longer a matter of necessity. Stupid old people have always been stupid old people; only now, no one is beholden to them for survival. Nowadays, we adults have to earn young people’s respect and that’s okay.