Consideration for others is important across all cultures, reminds Nat, although extents and limits vary widely. This is no excuse however for the kind of thoughtlessness that knows no boundary.
There are people I no longer speak to because there is no point. In order to communicate meaningfully, you have to speak not only the same language but you have to understand the same terms. I mean ‘terms’ in every sense of expression — not only words, phrases but also conditions.
Perhaps I should explain. When I say something like: ‘I really need to get back to my office by four p.m.,’ I expect the person to whom I’m speaking to understand that what I’m really saying is: ‘No, you cannot borrow my car.’ I’m just being polite and, like any Thai person, am doing everything I can to avoid saying the word ‘no’.
So I get annoyed when the person I’m not saying ‘no’ to responds with: ‘Thank you, I only need to go to three places so I’m sure your driver will be back in time to take you to your office by four p.m.’
I may have been brought up in the West but I’m Thai enough to seethe with impotent fury when someone wilfully misunderstands my efforts to politely decline a demand. What people don’t seem to realise about Thais is that we all police ourselves with rules of consideration and reciprocity which may seem complex but really aren’t. No one in Thailand takes advantage of another because we know enough not to overstep those understood boundaries that we term, to the confusion of many a foreigner, kreng jai. This is what makes life so pleasant in Thailand.
There are situations I happily tolerate which would leave many foreign friends utterly hopping with rage. I had the best time living with a friend who came to stay for a few weeks but ended up living with me for almost a year. This is because this friend would reciprocate in any way she knew how, from keeping her room clean to making sure to wash her own clothes at a time when it would bother no one, to making the occasional dinner without asking and helping with the washing up when there was absolutely no need to. She wasn’t so effusive with her gratitude that it was embarrassing but she was considerate enough to realise that her staying might be an imposition so she did whatever she could to mitigate the circumstances. This friend could have stayed with me for 10 years and I wouldn’t have minded.
Another friend, however, took to emailing an announcement that he was coming to visit for ‘no specific reason — I just want to’ and, without even asking if it was convenient for me, would provide his travel details with the assumption that his flight would be met and that he’d have a place to stay. I no longer speak to this person.
Foreign friends suggested I ignore the email and leave my ex-friend to wait at the airport. That would teach him a lesson. But I had stayed with this ex-friend plenty of times when I was visiting Singapore so I felt kreng jai and sent my car.
Our guest room was duly prepared.
Did I stay with my ex-friend every time I went to visit Singapore? No. He was particularly insistent with his invitations and I appreciated it but, because I felt an obligation to be considerate, no matter how urgent his hospitality could be, I would stay with him only every other time I went. Just as often as I stayed with my ex-friend, I would stay in a hotel or with another friend. I had a healthy respect for the invisible boundary demarcated by kreng jai. But because this ex-friend had none of that respect and assumed his invitations would oblige me to put up with whatever crap he wanted to throw my way, it was obvious that he was barbarous and unfit for polite company. More specifically, he had overstepped the boundaries of consideration and was unfit for my company.
So after staying with me more times than I’d ever stayed with him and throwing monumental tantrums when he didn’t get his way, he went from being a friend to being an ex-friend. I began to avoid him in every situation I could. He had become my ex-friend but I was too kreng jai to tell him. I assumed that he would figure it out from my actions.
I assumed wrong. Instead of getting the hint, this ex-friend began to berate me about my not paying any attention to him and my not making him feel welcome when he came to stay. Well of course not. I no longer wanted to be friends with him but was too polite to say the ultimate ‘no’ that marks the end of a friendship. So I put up with him as best I could and ignored him. Finally, this ex-friend decided he could tolerate no more of my indifferent behaviour and ended our friendship by writing me a long letter that I read with great relief.
I can tell some people are going to say I behaved unfairly because I didn’t confront my ex-friend and explain to him that such behaviour was unacceptable. But there was no point in even trying to talk to this person because we did not communicate in the same terms. That much was patently clear. Why waste my breath?
Lest anyone thinks this is a case of cultural differences, the friend who could have stayed with me for 10 years, if she wanted to, is English.
Which brings me to the point I want to make: the concept of kreng jai is actually universally understood by polite people who are sensitive to the cultural differences of others. It can be hard to get the specifics exactly right but, if there is an effort made to be considerate, everyone appreciates it and we can stay friends.
And if I start ignoring you, it may be because I couldn’t get back to my office by four p.m. after you borrowed my car and you should have known better than to assume.